I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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