i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Come see our sink grown plant.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He passed out mid-signature
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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