Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
