I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
