Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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