Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he thought i was a dude.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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