i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
