I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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