paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
