I just saw a hot homeless man
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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