I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
