tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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