I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
