my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
