Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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