Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
