the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So much Jack, so little girl.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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