oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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