there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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