My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't deserve a penis
Randomize
