So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
