You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
