his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
