I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
