About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
