I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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