just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
