remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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