At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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