There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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