I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
