I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
