I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
