I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
