my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
