I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
