She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
