she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
