My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
