Well apparently he's into motor boating.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
