my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
