I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
