Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
