I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
