I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
