he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
