guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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