Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
