meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
