i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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