I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
