Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You can't just leave with hair like that
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
